Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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