You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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