my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
