it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
