I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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