I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I think I sprained my soul last night
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
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