soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
