Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
