Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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