yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
