you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
