i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
