ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
i just had sex bonerless
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
She even gives head with a lisp.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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