Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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