I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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