It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
