I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
