Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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