the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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