Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
