saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Randomize
