everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
