it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.