i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
