I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
barbara walters just said penis...
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
