Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
