Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
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