I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
