The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
