Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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