My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
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