I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
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