Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
