i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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