i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Just high enough for therapy.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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