Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
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She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
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If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Drunk is a universal language darling
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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