Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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