i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
