She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
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