Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
