hotel room ftw
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
