Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I have already put on my inside pants.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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