Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
