I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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