I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Randomize
