Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
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