Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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