Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
