the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
