I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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