guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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