I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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