I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize