i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
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