I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
