Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
