i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
